Dealing with conflict is primarily learned at home. Children are usually forbidden from arguing and punished with penalties. The “culture of conflict” of the original environment influences us throughout our lives if we do not reflect on our own behavior and work on old, learned values.

1. Are you often concerned with being right?
2. Do you tolerate dissenting opinions?
3. How do you cope with the unintended behavior of others?
4. Are you good at dealing with contradictions, ambiguity and uncertainty?
5. Do you often respond with accusations and lengthy justifications?
6. Do you usually try to find someone to blame?

Our attitude and the associated perceptions, emotions and behaviors have a direct impact on whether a conflict can be resolved or not.

The more negative our attitude towards arguing is, the more likely it is that conflict resolution will fail, and the more negative our attitude will be.

The basic rules of constructive argument:

I-messages
No accusations
Interpretations and insinuations – accusations are poorly formulated wishes (Martin Haberzettl)
Listen – people have two ears and one mouth because they should listen more than they should talk
Formulate feelings and facts in concrete terms Ask questions – ask instead of tell
Arguing in private

Leave the past behind and turn your attention to the here and now in order to find solutions for the future.

There is no such thing as uninterrupted harmony and if this is proclaimed in teams, the conflicts remain “under the carpet” and cause lasting damage.

Good teams and departments argue.

The topic of “giving and receiving feedback” also plays a major role in functioning teams. Many people talk about “feedback” and only mean criticism that they give and expect their counterpart to accept.

However, feedback means something else.

Feedback must be welcome and has similar rules to constructive arguments. Feedback is not criticism. I can, but do not have to, accept this feedback.

Naturally, everyone has a certain view of themselves. Other people’s view of the effect of this person may differ from this. The aim of feedback is to change your own view of yourself in order to gain a more comprehensive picture of yourself and your own impact.

Always base your feedback on specific situations and observations. Formulate your perceptions as perceptions, your assumptions as assumptions and your feelings as feelings.

If you receive feedback, beware of justifications and try to understand the feedback first. Ask questions if a statement is unclear to you and accept the other person’s statements as their subjective reality.

Decide which feedback you want to accept and think about and which you want to throw in your “inner” wastepaper basket.

In summary, it can be said that, regardless of whether it is about conflict or constructive feedback, the communication rules and tips described should be followed consistently, even if emotions are running high and your conversation partner is not sticking to the rules. This will help you avoid serious rifts and deep-seated injuries.

If you are clever, you will think less about what you are talking about than about those you are talking to. (Artur Schopenhauer)